I saw a post the other day on Facebook. It made me mad and sad all at the same time. The man posted about the Rhianna and Chris Brown situation. Stating that he didn’t like either of them. Then he stated that if Rhianna goes back to Chris Brown he hopes that she gets her ass beat worse than before, because she deserves it. What??!!
I read the comments under the post …. a lot of lol’s and lmao’s. I made the mistake of commenting that Domestic Violence is not a joke. And of course the tirades started. The woman who said I was hit once .. I had enough common sense to get out, so since I did that she deserves what she gets. The man who wrote the post was “really close to a situation like that before and I stand by my beliefs”. At that point I made sure my husband read it too, then I unfriended the person. I am very tolerant of others beliefs … politics, religion, etc. Honestly, when did blaming the victim become a belief??!!
There are many reasons that a victim goes back to the abuser: emotional, financial, fear or desperation. The abuser is charming and knows the buttons to push. Because when the abuse gets physical, there has already been emotional and verbal abuse. The victim believes that they are not worth anything. The victim has been told over and over again how worthless and ugly and ungrateful they are, they believe.
The abuser makes sure that the victim is dependent on them for what they need, whether it is emotional or financial. The victim is sure that their abuser is the only one in the world that can stand them or love them. The abuser is the one that blames the victim for the abuse. It is always the victims fault. The abusers day didn’t go well so, guess what? The victim is the reason. An abuser will blame everyone else for their shortcomings, their failings and every one of their problems. The victim will suffer the consequences of all of it.
That man even went so far as to say that there are a lot of men who don’t hit women. Did he think he turned on a light bulb for me somehow? But abuse takes many forms. Maybe he should be aware of that. Blaming the victim is what got me the most upset, though. You don’t blame a rape victim for the rape. You don’t blame the burglary victim for the theft. You don’t blame the homicide victim for the murder. You don’t blame the kidnap victim for the kidnapping. Why is it ok for people, albeit ignorant people, to blame the victim of domestic violence for the beating, for the emotional and verbal ‘beatings”? It is NOT ok!
I did not write this as a first person narrative. I was a victim. I know what it is like. I have my step-dad, Pete to thank for helping me. He did not even know the extent. That was my dirty little secret. Most of us are ashamed that we let ourselves get isolated from friends and family. We are ashamed of what we “let happen” to us. It is not our faults, though. It took me years to figure that out. I am married to a really wonderful man now, who understands. We carry the scars of our abuse for the rest of our lives and we grow from them. Excuse me, the tears are falling now.
What that man did was diminish every victim of abuse. He took what we went through and made it our faults … again. Does he think we weren’t already blamed for every beating we ever took? I guarantee you, we were. And to him I say this:
You can be “really close to a situation like that” but until you are the victim .. you have no right to judge or to open your ignorant mouth.